lauren0525

04:39 pm

01:26 pm - sick

I have a cold and conjunctivitis. It sucks. You should feel sorry for me because I feel sorry for me.

I'm the disoriented, gooey-eyed woman in glasses stumbling around campus. No one wants to get too close to me because I am like a leper. I am being overly dramatic. But come on, isn't livejournal a little bit of a pity party for most? Pity me! Paaaarty!!

09:07 am - feed my thought

"The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which makes you lonely."

03:51 pm

I've been sitting on my balcony reading for school and smoking ciggs. Though I am alone, there is a lot going on around me. There is hip hop blasting and people yelling and laughing and making plans for tonight. There is noise from some sporting event going on and there are lots of cars driving around. I really like the commotion and the excitement and the eclectic mix of people. I was sad as I thought that I only have nine months left to enjoy such moments...but then I realized that perhaps this is why I like cities so much.

I love being alone yet being a part of something, being separate yet able to join in, and being an individual while still being part of a giant community of people who are all SO different yet the same.

12:40 am

04:48 pm - Relationship do's and don'ts

I bolded my favorite parts and took out a few lines I didn't agree with...besides that, I sadly am not the author of this maginificent piece of writing. Its from viceland. Still read it though, it's funny!!

DOs & DON'Ts—Done is done
Even if you try your hardest to be civil to each other after a long relationship, you have to get over the fact that no matter how in love you were, you split up for a reason and now you're both fucking other people and things'll never be the same again. If you're still on good terms and you're introduced to your replacement (big mistake), then it'll just freak everyone out, regardless of how polite everyone is trying to be, because what you really want to do is ask, "How the fuck can you be sleeping with him/her?" and it'll end in tears.

DOs & DON'Ts—Duration
No matter what Italians tell you, sex has to last at least 15 minutes. If you feel like you're going to bust a nut before that, then pull out and go down on her. Ewww, it tastes like condom? Boo-hoo, you fucking baby! Get back to work!

DOs & DON'Ts—Swallowing cum on the first date
Only fags and desperate sluts swallow on the first date. To most men, it reeks of desperation and a desire to "own" a part of that person forever. Plus, swallowing is overrated. It's much raunchier, healthier, and emotionally attractive to finish him off on your tits, letting a tiny silver dewdrop of cum go on your chin or something.

Also, if any cum goes on the guy, it's better to offer him an old shirt off the floor than to leave him to shuffle awkwardly to the bathroom on his own.

DOs & DON'Ts—Shaving
Women have to shave their pits and their legs and the bush has to be kept in a triangular shape no larger than half the size of a potato. No pussy hairs are permitted around or below the bottom third of the lips. All men have to do is keep their face from becoming a huge beard. Sounds shitty if you're female, but women get to give life. Men don't get to do that. Plus, men have to pay for everything forever.

DOs & DON'Ts—Mean sex
Men got so scared of all that "No Means No" LUG (lesbian until graduation) talk, they fuck like babies now. Here's the new rules: One "no" means "Meh, I don't know"; two "no"s means "Maybe"; three "no"s means "No."

There are some really weird girls out there that want to be faux raped. Here's the deal for them: You do the struggling thing until you're starting to get weirded out, then you lie on your back and don't move. If she puts her hand on your leg that means the struggle was a game and you can get back to work. If she says, "What's the matter with you?" you fucked up real bad. Sometimes you don't really know if you pushed it too far until the next day. Best to go out for breakfast and see what's up.

Also, horsing around with a girl who is so drunk she cannot speak is rape. So is beating off next to her when she's passed out. I mean, it's not as bad as the guy in the alleyway with a ski mask, but it's up there.

DOs & DON'Ts—Reaming your girlfriend
It's fun to hate-fuck your girlfriend (that doesn't mean forcible entry, it means you fuck her like a dirty animal and pretend in your head she hates you) but she's not really into getting reamed from behind every single time. The deal is you have to make love to her three out of four times. That leaves about one time a week you get to bang the living shit out of her like she's a disgusting whore (is it normal to have a boner right now?).

DOs & DON'Ts—Strapping it on
No matter what Dan Savage says, if you let your girlfriend fuck you in the ass with a strap-on, you are not "experimenting," you are "gay."

DOs & DON'Ts—Dirty old men
Gents over 30! Do you realize that the 18-year-old girl that you are dating makes you look like the biggest creep in the world? All decent men hate you. And how can you live with constantly checking your bald patch in the bathroom at the bar in case she notices it? And trying to score tickets for Usher concerts and wearing vests, wooden chokers, and fake tan? How tight is that pussy? How small is your cock?

Girls under 18! If your boyfriend is over 30, you are basically being constantly lied to and RAPED every day of your relationship. Your stupid friends may think you're cool, but your parents would kill you if they knew about it, and all his buddies think you're a little whore and will try and fuck you at every given opportunity. Why do old men want to fuck 18-year-olds anyway? As we've said a hundred times before: "It's like playing tennis with a toddler." Pick on someone your own size.

DOs & DON'Ts—Orgasms
Women don't cum from fucking as easily as men, so she doesn't have to have an orgasm every time he does. "Sowwy." It's just not practical. A man only has to provide a woman with one orgasm for every three he has. This does not include masturbating, by the way—that's private.

08:49 pm - HUGE problem:(

Today my mommy took me to Target and, among many things, she bought me a SHOWER CADY for the dorm. It stands a good three feet tall and is like a golf cady except it's completely unrelated. Here is my dilemma: I'm not sure if we should put the cady next to the shower and get water everywhere trying to access our various shampoo and grape aloe body wash or if we should actually put the cady in there with us. Space is limited in our 1 foot by 1 foot shower; cleansing oneself requires the maintenance of perfect (and constant) posture. This makes it impossible to clean anything below one's crotch; one simply must pray the soap bubbles will slide down and kinda sorta clean one's legs and feet.

Personally, I have found that shaving my legs in this shower is as risky as getting behind the wheel with 17 margaritas in my tummy. The chance of cutting myself or slipping and falling on my face is about as likely as me singing "Criminal" at kareoke. Thus, my legs usually remain monkey-like until the absolute moment I know I will be getting some. These occasions generally arise at 2 am when I'm hammered. My drunkeness thus drastically impairs an already difficult feat, and the shaving of the legs quickly evolves from risky situation to suicide mission.

This is unrelated to the shower cady however. I vote we stick it in there. Perhaps it will break my fall. Of course, it could also contribute to more severe injuries. All I know it that no definitive decisions will be made without a thorough consultation with the editor in chief.

02:25 pm - hehehhe

11:23 am - confessions of a me

As we speak I am downloading Paris Hilton's new album. This is not one of my proudest moments...but at least I'm not paying for it. In fact, I'm ripping her off. Ha! Bitch! Take that Ms. I pick up my cell phone during sex.

07:48 pm - what would Patrick Bateman do (WWPBD)?

Holy shit, the pictures on www.viceland.com are even better than the ones on www.imaginarysocialite.com. I'll never leave my house now...which means nothing has changed.

http://www.viceland.com/int/dd.php?id=280&country=us

04:49 pm - jonny apple seed

It is possible to kill oneself by overdosing on apple seeds. I shall add this to my list. It is NOT a GLAMOROUS way to go, however. And if you don't eat enough of them you'll just end up with a bad case of the squirts, a problem which will only accentuate your previous feelings of hopelessness and gloom.
For other ways to off yourself in the kitchen, please explore this site:
http://net.unl.edu/wonderwise/14africa/a-plant.htm

Current Mood: horny

07:53 pm - booyah!

My friend Ryan got me an Ipod. I just got it in the mail today. I have an Ipod! This is SO COOL!

10:00 pm - Parrot Problem

http://pictures.sprintpcs.com/share.do?invite=dExr4156zh5ln837oQSQ&shareName=MMS&messageState=RETRIEVED

I met this parrot at a flea market. He said "Hey Baby!" so I let him sit on my shoulder. We talked about life and the unraveling disapointments of modern romance. He was a good conversationalist and I found him to be quite inspiring. But hours later I broke out in hives on my face and shoulder. Who knew I was allergic to parrots? At least I didn't let him sit on my vag.

05:45 pm

I don't think anyone has ever died of boredom before, but I think I'm about to.

04:51 pm - Question

Over dinner the other night, I was given a summary of this season's Sopranos. As part of the discussion, my friend stated that he believes all first generation Italians are racist. My question is this: Is it not a predjudiced statement to say that an entire group of people are predjudiced?

01:09 pm - i AM the imaginary socialite

http://www.imaginarysocialite.com/

12:12 pm - we're exclusive

11:33 pm - agagga~!

Chianti is my new favorite wine because I like the way that word sounds and how my tongue doesnt have to move much when I say it and I am really stoned right now and thus really hungry. The things I would do for a bag of hotfries would make you cringe and so would the things I do in general. Sometimes it is hard to subsist drinking Mountain Dew all day in a futile attempt not to fall asleep and I wish that the beauty in the world didn't exhaust me i wish it gave me energy that it gave me a will to keep seeing more and more of it yet instead I cannot stand it I must escape it and absorb it in my dreams and i don't know I just want to love someone and reciprocate that delicious crazy feeling that makes life worth staying awake for.

09:47 pm

All I do is sit in my basement on my computer. I enter data, download music, listen to music...then I eat dinner and read for my class, go online to the class' chatroom and then I do more homework. Sometimes, when I'm feeling adventurous, I walk Beau or go out to buy ciggs. Repeat over and over and over and over and over and over. Saturday nights are spent drinking until I get sick. Sundays are spent hungover, wanting to die, sleeping for 16 hours. Repeat week, weak, agh I need to escape this.

11:49 pm - anne sexton is so cool her name has sex in it

Plus she writes the best break-up poems:

Killing The Love
Anne Sexton

I am the love killer,
I am murdering the music we thought so special,
that blazed between us, over and over.
I am murdering me, where I kneeled at your kiss.
I am pushing knives through the hands
that created two into one.
Our hands do not bleed at this,
they lie still in their dishonor.
I am taking the boats of our beds
and swamping them, letting them cough on the sea
and choke on it and go down into nothing.
I am stuffing your mouth with your
promises and watching
you vomit them out upon my face.
The Camp we directed?
I have gassed the campers.

Now I am alone with the dead,
flying off bridges,
hurling myself like a beer can into the wastebasket.
I am flying like a single red rose,
leaving a jet stream
of solitude
and yet I feel nothing,
though I fly and hurl,
my insides are empty
and my face is as blank as a wall.

Shall I call the funeral director?
He could put our two bodies into one pink casket,
those bodies from before,
and someone might send flowers,
and someone might come to mourn
and it would be in the obits,
and people would know that something died,
is no more, speaks no more, won't even
drive a car again and all of that.

When a life is over,
the one you were living for,
where do you go?

I'll work nights.
I'll dance in the city.
I'll wear red for a burning.
I'll look at the Charles very carefully,
weraing its long legs of neon.
And the cars will go by.
The cars will go by.
And there'll be no scream
from the lady in the red dress
dancing on her own Ellis Island,
who turns in circles,
dancing alone
as the cars go by.